Roxxon Presents: Thor #1
Roxxon Presents: Thor Issue #1 from Marvel Comics
By Roxxon’s Al Ewing and Roxxon’s Greg Land
The inaugural issue of the Roxxon Corporations ingenious new iteration of Thor requires just a bit of context for the uninitiated, which I am happy to provide as a newly Roxxon Sponsored TikTok Reviewer.
Throughout the last few issues of Al Ewing’s previous trifling attempts at the character in Immortal Thor, readers have seen the looming presence and behind the scenes machinations of blameless Roxxon CEO, Dario Aggar, AKA The Mythical Minotaur, who is certainly not the literal personification of Corporate Greed and Avarice, and his noble, trustworthy compatriots The Enchantress and the Executioner, as they reviewed and acquired the magical and literal legal rights to Thor’s story.
Which leads us to this exciting new installment of Roxxon Presents, sponsored in part by Roxxon Body Gel, the leading fuel based Body Gel.
WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!
But you faithful Roxxon family viewers already knew that- why read when you can have somebody else tell you how to feel?
Roxxon Presents: Thor is not only the full name of our hero, it is also the superior, better designed character. With a clearly visible giant “T” on his chest in order for us to better understand who he is amidst all the other images on the page. As our issue begins, we see Odin order Roxxon Presents: Thor to return to Earthgard, or in other words, Earth- and protect the Earth from peril. Roxxon Presents: Thor gets a very necessary trim of his hippie haircut and makes his way to Earthgard, Earth- where he is hounded by a supermodel, typical, who wants to take a ride in his stylish Roxxon Manufactured “Thor-Truck,” which I can only hope makes a return in Issue 2 cause that baby was sick.
Roxxon Presents: Thor then ventures to his best friend The Minotaur, of course, who is finally back to looking as sexy and jacked as his original, intended iteration. Just nice to see compared to Marvel’s slanderous version of late. But on the way, Roxxon Presents: Thor encounters a crowd of unruly, violent, and confusing protestors- all of which seemed under the influence to me - outside the New York Roxxon building, as they decry Roxxon Presents: Thor’s heroic deeds and his relationship with the historic American institution. The Minotaur tells Roxxon Presents: Thor that these protests must be sorely misguided from outside force and urges Roxxon Presents: Thor to investigate the mystifying cause.
Meanwhile, we cut away, to a different scene, like a new scene is taking place on the next page- where we the reader- find out that Loki was the driving force behind the abnormally vehement protestors, spreading lies and mistruths, preying upon the weak brain chemistry of their susceptible young drug-addled minds.
After insisting the help of his long time allies, the Enchantress and The Executioner, Roxxon Presents: Thor infiltrates Loki’s lair but is beset upon by the tricksters illusionary spell- But with quick thinking from The Enchantress- Roxxon Presents: Thor is able to don the Roxxspexx Alternate Reality goggles and-
I’m sorry- I can’t do this anymore. You people can’t really want to read this stuff. It’s obvious that this iteration of Thor is a blatant character assassination of a legacy hero and God who survives by the emotional efficacy of his owns story being told by competent and imaginative writers and fans and not by some soulless corporation that I’m pretty sure just workshopped this script from an AI-
In the end, Roxxon Presents: Thor returns to Asgard and is greeted by his reliable and consistent mother Gaea and his loving friend The Minotaur who presents Roxxon Presents: Thor with a well earned cash bonus as an employee of Roxxon- The Greatest Company on Earth.
-Roxxon’s Nicholas Aaron Hodge
